Celebrity News:

With the recent "buzz" about possible "sex tapes" from Ms. Lindsay Lohan and Kristin "The Ghost of Melrose Place" Davis, we are forced to take a look at their significance in the grand scheme of things.

"But, Eric," you say, your voice filled with salty breath, "aren’t these just the cheap publicity stunts of drunken celebrities and their greedy no-body partners?" And then, in a tone rich with the steam of Irish Breakfast tea, I say, "No. No they are not."

Tracking these so-called "sex tapes" is like tracking the Doomsday Clock to its inevitable zeroing. My friends, they tell a tale that is as terrifying as it is titillating. (Stop laughing, Stu. It is not a dirty word. Wretched life! Why must I be surrounded by imbeciles at every pass!?)

Sorry. Back to the matter at hand:

Stolen Honeymoon - Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee (1998)
For many, Stolen Honeymoon is where celebrity sex tapes begin and end. For others, Stolen Honeymoon clearly marks the beginning of the End. As half of the Nation was mesmerized by "‘Baywatch’ goin’ down on that," the other half was mesmerized by Mr. Lee’s considerable talents. Of course, soon after the legendary drummer was spent and this picture hit the shelves, we saw the true rise of Nu Metal, a soulless, sololess art form that led directly to the Y2K hysteria and, of course, the death of Rock and Roll.

1 Night in Paris (2004)
In many ways, it has surpassed the aforementioned "Baywatch" tape in infamy, if not in production value. While many saw this as a calculated move by a calculating semi-famous heiress on the brink of "super-stardom," we saw it for what it truly was: A sign that mighty France had finally been aroused from its decades-long slumber. Shaking off the malaise of WWII and the ennui of French cigarettes, the "surrender monkeys" as they are known, chose to return to their roots of revolution and fine ornament making. Soon after the release of 1 Night in Paris, we saw a rare show of solidarity between the French and their partners-in-Chunnel, the British, who together solidified the power of the EU. It was only a matter of time before their currency began to dominate that of the States. Then, they stole JOHNNY DEPP from us, and we were forced to admit that perhaps their country was more than just a dumping ground for overrated filmmakers, fine coffees, and underrated whores.

One Night in Chyna (2004)
On the heels of Paris’ knee-drop, we hid our eyes as former wrestler-turned-reality-TV-behemoth Chyna showcased her tiny appendage for the world to see. While we were busy praying for swift Death, China had moved one-step closer to hosting the 2008 Olympic Games, gymnastics gold, and World Domination.

Kim Kardashian Sex Tape (original - 2005; re-release - 2008)
Who is this woman? Seriously, why is she famous? (Stu, please tell me. I’m sorry about earlier.) Anyway, this untitled masterpiece was leaked in 2005. Allegedly, it led directly to the distraction of Ms. Kardashian’s future boyfriend, Reggie Bush, as he took the field for USC to play in the National Championship against the University of Texas. Reggie was so distracted that after breaking a 50-yard run he threw an ill-advised lateral to a lumbering tight end, who subsequently fumbled the ball. Many believe this single play cost USC the title, which cost serious bettors and office pool players across the nation millions of dollars. It is also said that it takes three years for a recession to truly take shape.

We shall see what Mrs. Davis and Miss Lohan (or the sad young ladies pretending to be them) have to offer in their celebrity sex tapes, and we will look beyond the poor directing and rather unimaginative intercourse to discover the Truth.