Celebrity News:

This week in one man's utopia we dish out advice to our glorious readers, visit with Mr. Bill, try and save Journeyman and bring back Joanna Kerns. That's right, I said Joanna Kerns.

Seeing how tis the season to be jolly and all the happy crappy, I thought I would take this opportunity to give a little something back to my dear readers who have been with me through thick and thin, through the good and Bionic Woman til death (or Ashish and Leonard firing me) do we part. I am here for you. You should all know that I get a lot of reader mail asking for advice because, well, I am sage-like and everyone needs to know my opinion. It's true, I wouldn't lie about that. I'm taking this week's column and devoting it to giving advice to you, my reader. I have withheld the last names of the readers in order to protect their anonymity. Without further adieu, onto our first question.

1.) I am a big fan of your column. You are very witty, interesting and I can tell just from the way you write, very good looking. Here's my problem. I'm a big-time TV star. With the writer's strike and all, we're not producing new episodes so…I kind of let the diet go. Some paparazzi recently took some pictures of me….FROM BAD ANGLES and made me look like I have a badonkadonk butt. These pictures leaked and now I'm fighting off the press saying I'm fat. Whatever shall I do? Great column, by the way.

Jennifer H.

Jennifer,

I am sure you get plenty of fan mail telling you how to solve this problem. Probably from someone named Anonymous. Maybe with postage from Indiana. You should have taken this "Anonymous" person's advice he has been giving you for the last ten years and make a sex tape. Show them what sexy is. Maybe wear leather with bunny ears. Try to avoid any shots from the back. You're welcome.

2.) Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I wouldn't even have e-mailed because the people don't really deserve the time it takes for me to type this, but I have a problem and your column is so great, I thought you might be able to solve it. A magazine that shall remain nameless recently reported that I was the person hardest to get an autograph from, that I was a curmudgeon who doesn't care about his little peon fans. Well, that's just no good publicity at all, is it? What should I do?

Will F.

Will,

The next time someone comes up to you for an autograph, instead of spitting on them and then showing them your appendix scar, try, you know….actually giving them the autograph. Only sign Johnny Depp's name. Celebrity handwriting is so messy that they won't be able to tell and technically you didn't sign your own name so everyone it happy. If you want, over pronunciate your words so that you are spitting on them while you talk. That way you get to spit on them, but it looks natural. If they get pissed at you, so what, your act is already wearing thin and your supporting players have already branched out to make their own movies. Your shelf life is almost over. Then you won't have to worry about those autograph hounds.

3.) Let me tell you something, brother, your column rocks. My life has been in a shambles. My son is a felon and my wife just left me which put my reality show in jeopardy. I even had to make amends with my old boss to do a one shot gig just to pay some lawyer fees. What shall I do, dude?

Terry B.

Terry,

I know your type. You probably had some success awhile back…maybe late 80s and you're still trying to ride that gravy train 20 years later. You're a diva, aren't you? Demanding things go your way and selling yourself at way higher than your worth. How's that saying go? Karma's a bitch. Here's what you do. Take your old school status and revamp and old school show and bring it back. Harmless and gets you back into the public eye. If you really want to go over the top and become famous again, tell your daughter (assuming you have a really hot one, of course) to do a sex tape. Until then, eat your vitamins and say your prayers.

4.) First off, let me say I enjoy reading your column…in the nude. Despite my ultra-hotness and America's love affair with me, I chose to marry the one guy who doesn't seem to care. I think he may have cheated with this French model. Your columns are so good that after I read them, I have that same euphoric feeling that sex brings me. Anyways, what should I do about my no good husband?

Eva L.

Eva,

There's obviously only one answer to this question - make a sex tape. You will need someone the complete opposite fro your husband to star with you in the tape. Someone of average size, maybe a little on the short side with Midwestern values. Think about it. I don't know what you husband could be thinking. As long as you aren't a prude in bed and like all positions, why would he stray? Does he have a job that keeps him on the road a lot? Hire a private investigator and catch him in the act. After that get revenge with the whole sex tape scandal. It'll make you famous!

5.) I give your column thumbs up, let's do this! My friends say I rush into things too quickly without thinking of the consequences and because of this, they often get hurt. What should I do

Leeroy J.

Leeroy,

Your friends are idiots and probably sit around strategizing their entire life with every minute detail covered. Sometimes you have to be spontaneous and just jump right into things while yelling out war cries. Besides, what's the worst that can happen? It's not like you're going to get them all killed or anything.

6.) I love reading your column, it makes me feel better because I suck. I work in movies but people don't seem to like me. They say I ruined the last couple of Star Wars movies. Not even the popular Jessica Alba could help make my last cinema release successful. What can I do?

Hayden C.

Hayden,

Stop reading my column. If people found out you read it, they would punch me in the neck. Try a different occupation. There's a Mexican place down the street from me hiring. Can you speak Spanish? I'll put in a good word for you if you will no longer acknowledge that you read my stuff.

7.) Hey, y'all I think yer colum is great! I'm a singer and I gots sum problems. My life is horny lika hooter bird. I used to be a great singer and everbody luved me. Now everbody hates me. They say I'm crazy an take ma kids away. People invite me to do stuff jus to make fun of me. I stopped wearing panties like five yers ago. Everday I'm in the papers doin sumthing. Isn't any publicty, good publicty? What should I do?

Brittney S.

Brittney,

I can't help you. I don't know that anyone can help you. Live your life, spend your money and try not to die. That's all you can do. Please don't make a sex tape.

That's all the time we have this week for reader advice, we have to move on to bigger and better things.





-- I will openly admit that I have never found Paris Hilton attractive. She looks beat. She does stay in shape, however, and she has managed to keep a low profile since getting out of jail this summer. Now she has this can o'champagne thing going on where some of the proceeds go to charities that benefit Africa. Okay, good for her. Just one question about the picture above which is the ad for the champagne. What happened to her nipple? I know she has them. I've seen One Night in Paris. Hmmm…jail must have been rougher on her than we thought.

-- Now for reader feedback of a different kind. A reader took me to task over my confidence that Journeyman would be cancelled. In all fairness, I've never seen an episode of Journeyman. My initial reaction to the show, came solely from watching several elongated previews of the season. Since then, the show has gotten pretty good reviews from critics and I have heard some good stuff about it. The show, however, did not get the ratings it needed and has been cancelled. I'm going to check out an episode before it goes off the air (NBC will still run it because of the writer's strike) and see if the previews just didn't do it justice. While the show is up against CSI: Miami and Monday Night Football, it should still be getting enough ratings to keep it on the air if it were good. It has struck my curiosity. Until then, if you like the show, you can try to save it (hey, it worked for Jericho and Veronica Mars) at savejourneyman.net.


-- Time to take a look at one more Christmas Special that you forgot about. This week we're going to take a look at:





Mr. Bill's Christmas Special. For those of you not old enough to remember, Mr. Bill was a small Play-Doh man who would get routinely tortured and dismembered on early episodes of Saturday Night Live, mostly by his arch nemesis, Sluggo. I figured that this Christmas Special would have taken place at the height of Mr. Bill's popularity back in the late 70s. However, every reference to it says it came out in 1996. This has to be the year it was made for sale, not the year it was made. Mr. Bill has pretty much been a non-factor since the switch from the founding cast members of SNL to the second class of cast members.

There's not a whole lot here. Mr. Bill is at home with his loving wife, son, mother and dog. All of course are made of Play-Doh. The senseless violence that made Mr. Bill a popular character in the 70s doesn't age well. It's just not very creative. For example the first thing that happens in the special is Mr. Hand (a giant disembodied hand) decides to make Dog Nog. So he makes egg nog and then picks up Mr. Bill's dog and puts it in a blender and makes his drink. Just for the hell of it.






Father Guido Sarducci drops by for a Christmas visit. For those not familiar with Sarducci, he was a fictional character brought to life by a recurring role on SNL as well. Sarducci shows his Christmas video where no one wants to spend Christmas with him as he namedrops all the original members of SNL. And the crowd goes mild.

There is a play on A Christmas Carol where Mr. Bill plays a bizarro Scrooge who is ultra-giving but in the end gets killed. The climax comes when Sluggo comes in as Santa Claus, says nothing, but does set Mr. Bill's Christmas tree on fire while leaving a bag full of dynamite underneath it, thus blowing Mr. Bill and family to kingdom come.

Was this ever funny? I have seen the first few seasons of SNL and that's funny stuff. Even the Mr. Bill parts. This reeks of popular character that should be used in moderation being pushed to nth degree only to find out there aren't enough ideas to keep him busy for a whole show. The special hasn't aged well at all. In fact, I would only take one out of the ten candy canes off my tree to see it again. Avoid it unless you are a Mr. Bill/Father Guido Sarducci nut.





-- I mentioned Jericho earlier and how the fans saved it once it was cancelled last season. Look for it after the new year, but you'll have to look fast and hard. It's up against American Idol again on Tuesday nights and there have only been 8 more episodes ordered. In other words, it's set up to be cancelled again. I hope when the scripts were written, they were written with that in mind and we can get a little closure on the situation. If you need to get caught up check out my review of the first season. It was solid, if unspectacular.


-- They say the third time's a charm, so I hope that John Mellencamp gets inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame this year. He probably should be there, especially seeing some of the acts that have made it in the past. I'm okay with all of the nominees this year, though it makes one feel extremely old to see that Madonna and the Beastie Boys are eligible.

-- Should I be watching How I Met Your Mother? The commercials always seem very funny, but I know that's not always indicative of how funny a show is. Could I even watch it without seeing Doogie Houser and Willow instead of the characters Neil Harris and Alyson Hannigan play of the show?

-- Let's do this. Get in the closet and pull down Coca-Cola Santas, the metal lunchboxes and your wrapping paper from 1989 that has all 28 NFL teams represented on it because it smells like RETRO time. I won't leave you in suspense because I know you have clicked on this column just to see my series on the best Christmas gifts I ever got. This week we're focusing on the great gift giving to me sometime in the late 80s by someone whom I can not remember.





The Mad Scientist Monster Lab Kit. Don't be jealous. There were many different options in the Mad Scientist line. You could get the smaller Make-A-Monster kit to Dissect the Alien kits. This was the mamma jamma. In this kit you had the tank, you had the molds, and you had the monsters. The kit came with two different kinds of substances to mold your monsters out of; Living Ice to make ice monsters and Monster Flesh to make your generic scary monsters. Also included were a mess of bones on structural supports to act as the beginnings of any creature you cared to make.





I haven't even touched on the best part. The kit came with monster flesh dissolver. When your monsters tried to have a mind of their own and didn't do everything exactly how you told them to, you just tossed them in the plastic container of water, tossed in some monster dissolver and problem solved. In case you are wondering, the same dissolver does not work on nosy sisters or problem girlfriends. For the extra perverse there was some sort of powder that made things all foamy and fizzy. No reason, just for the visual. Just for the sure rush that comes with knowing that you've not only ended a life, but also mutilated the corpse beyond recognition to the point that they have to move to dental records to identify the body. The reason we have crazy people going off on random shooting sprees today is because they don't make toys like this anymore. All this sick people could get there cheap thrills pulling steroidal Play-Doh off of plastic bones and we wouldn't have to sweat going into malls anymore.

The best thing about Mad Scientist? The smell. All the crap put together…plastic, the molding clay, the juiced up water…it smells like the day after Christmas.

I'm watching a Three's Company marathon on TVLand and not only am I pleasantly surprised to see and episode I hadn't seen previously, but also I recognize a guest star on the show.





For those of you not as well versed in your 80s sitcoms, that's Joanna Kerns, mamma-type figure from Growing Pains. She was a love interest of Jack with plenty of innuendo and humorous results. She was hot! That's not surprising as I think she was one of the hottest sitcom moms around that time. Hey, Trevor Snyder, what about a TOP FIVE hot moms of all time?! Let's do this!

-- I'm out Christmas shopping the other day because tis the season and all. I'm shopping for my nephew who is into Transformers because of the movie. I figure this is easy pickings because there are literally hundreds of Transformers to choose from at around $15 bucks each, right? Secretly, I had thought maybe I'd even find some Insecticons and Constructicons, but I didn't have my heart set on it or anything. I went three different places. There were a grand total of two different Transformers to choose from (Optimus Prime and Megatron) that were about $50 apiece. I am sure there are more Transformers to choose from somewhere in the world, but I feel like an opportunity to make a ton of money in merchandising was ruined here. I have yet to see the movie, but surely there were more than just Optimus Prime and Megatron.


-- The impossible has happened. Somehow the Powers that Be have gotten me interested not only in a MTV project, but Jackass to boot. If you haven't heard by now, Jackass 2.5 is being released exclusively on the internet and for free. Well, free for a couple of days, then it's going straight to DVD. This will be the first major release by a major studio exclusively on the internet. I probably won't watch it unless I hear some decent things about it, but I will be watching the numbers to see what happens. If this is a success (read: DVD sales and sponsors links hit) I am sure other studios will follow with smaller projects. Hey, free entertainment that will probably be better than your drunken Uncle Joe on Christmas Day is nothing to sneeze at. The free movie will take place on Blockbuster's website December 19th and be available to buy by the 26th.

I must leave you now.

Next week we'll take a look at 12 things you got to do at Christmastime plus we'll wrap up the best things I got for Christmas thread with the best thing I ever received for Christmas. I will leave you this week with a Christmas song…by the Swedish Chef.